Do you feel jealous in relationships because of the behavior of your other half? Learn how to resist this feeling, how to stop being jealous.
It doesn’t matter if you are a boy or a girl, jealousy in a relationship can cause many different problems, from paranoia to uncertainty and unfounded accusations.
But sometimes we cannot but be jealous, especially if someone arises who gets a little more attention from your partner than you think this person deserves.
This is terrible when you get the feeling that relationships are getting out of hand, especially if you cannot find ways to influence the situation.
But no matter what happens, jealousy will never become your ally in love matters.
What is jealousy?
When we are jealous, we fear that our relationship partner may find someone even more attractive, and we are afraid that she or he will reject us. Therefore, jealousy acts as a way to cope with this threat.
We believe that our jealousy will allow us to protect our rights and make our companion abandon his passion for another person. Jealousy resembles a strategy that we use to understand what is going wrong in a relationship or to find out how our partner feels.
If you feel jealousy, ask yourself what you hope to get from your jealousy.
Like other forms of anxiety, jealousy makes us focus only on the negative. We interpret the behavior of our partner as a reflection of a loss of interest in us or a growing interest in someone else.
Jealousy forces us to make erroneous conclusions and misinterpret the emotions of loved ones: “She dressed so well to attract the attention of other guys.”
Jealousy can be an adaptive emotion
Jealousy is a universal emotion that affects, to one degree or another, all people on the planet.
Evolutionary psychologist David Bass expressed the view that jealousy has developed as a mechanism to protect personal interests, so the genes of our ancestors, which crowded out competitors, most likely continue to live in us.
Indeed, it is known that men in ancient times (as well as male lions) killed men and children in the conquered tribe. Jealousy is a way of protecting vital interests.
It can be said that jealousy is an absolutely natural emotion. Therefore, an approach like “you are neurotic if you are jealous” or “if you are jealous, then you have low self-esteem” do not always correspond to reality.
In some cases, jealousy can characterize a high self-esteem: “I do not accept such a relationship.”
Jealousy may reflect your higher inner standards
Psychologists often consider jealousy as a sign of deep insecurities and personality flaws.
However, it makes sense to look at jealousy as a much more complex emotion. In fact, jealousy can characterize your high demands on monogamy, love, honesty and sincerity.
You may be jealous because you want to have a monogamous relationship, and you are afraid that you will lose what is valuable to you.
Some people may object: “You cannot own another person.” Of course, this is true, and any relationship is based on freedom. But they are also based on the choice that two free people make.
If your partner freely chooses to leave the party with someone else, then you have good reason for jealousy. We do not own each other, but we can claim our allegiance to each other.
But if your higher demands are based on honesty, loyalty and monogamy, jealousy can jeopardize your relationship. You are trapped. You do not want to give up your values, but you also do not want to feel overwhelmed by your jealousy.
How to stop being jealous
1. Situation analysis
A situation may arise when you fall into a jealous rage simply because you saw your girlfriend talking to someone.
But before you unleash a flurry of accusations, stop for a moment and ask yourself a few questions about how you feel. Try to find out why you are jealous.
Ask yourself questions like:
→ Why is my girlfriend talking to this person?
→ Is it not wise for them to speak at this time?
→ Has this happened before, and what explanations did the girl provide?
→ I am jealous because I feel that the girl will deceive me?
→ I’m jealous because that is exactly what I felt when I was deceived in the past?
→ Does this jealousy stem from what I experienced in the past, or because my girlfriend somehow behaved or said something?
Once you identify the root cause of your jealousy, you will have a clearer picture of what you think is happening. This will help you get a new, more objective point of view on the situation.
2. Do not let your imagination control you
In a situation consisting of many unknown facts, it is easy to give free rein to the imagination, which will gladly fill all the missing information.
A guy who always works overtime, thanks to the imagination of his girlfriend, can easily turn into a traitor who has a connection with his colleague. A friend who does not pick up the phone can, in the blink of an eye, become a liar, who still meets with her ex-boyfriend.
However, before you begin to imagine and recreate fictitious scenarios of probable events, you can do two things.
First, find another way to look at what is happening. A girl’s guy can really work overtime because he’s just been promoted. And your girlfriend may not have picked up the phone because she was driving with music on.
If this does not calm your raging imagination, the second thing you can do is try to find another activity that will distract you until the moment when your other half can give you a reasonable explanation.
To stop being jealous, don’t let emotions control you and your imagination.
3. Stop comparing yourself to others
Envy and jealousy are closely interconnected. Therefore, it is very likely that one of the main reasons why you are jealous is that the other person has qualities that, in your opinion, are not enough for you.
How tempting to start comparing yourself to the object of your jealousy. But better stop before you begin to destroy your self-esteem.
Even if you think that the other person has positive qualities that you don’t have, think about this: of all the smart, cheerful, pretty people in the social circle of your girlfriend (boyfriend), why did she (he) decide to be with you?
No matter what qualities people around your relationship partner have, you should have more faith in yourself. You are a wonderful and amazing person, and it is true.
4. Explain jealousy to your girlfriend (boyfriend)
For many, it may seem awkward to admit that they are jealous of someone. But sometimes the other half must know about your attitude in order to smooth the corners and not allow the feeling of jealousy to intensify.
You could explain in a calm manner that you noticed that she or he was spending a lot of time with a certain person and that you would like to know why.
You can ask your girlfriend (boyfriend) to call or send you a message if she works late, just to reassure you. In addition, you can arrange a meeting with colleagues or friends of your companions to get to know them a little better.
Forming a connection with your lovers’ circle of friends often helps.
5. The feeling of jealousy is different from jealous behavior
Just as there is a difference between feelings of anger and hostile actions, there is a difference between feelings of jealousy and jealous behavior.
To stop being jealous, it’s important to understand that your relationship is likely to be at risk from your jealous behavior. It includes constant accusations, the desire for confidence and control, resentment and acts of revenge.
Stop and tell yourself: “I know that I feel jealous, but I do not need to behave accordingly.”
Note that this feeling is within you. But you have a choice: to follow its manifestation and submit to its will or not.
Which choice will suit your interests?
6. Accept your jealousy and watch this feeling
When you notice that you feel jealousy, take a few minutes of free time, begin to breathe slowly and watch your thoughts and feelings.
Recognize that thought of jealousy and reality are not the same thing. You might think that your partner is interested in someone else, but this does not mean that everything is really so.
Please note that your feelings of anger and anxiety may increase as you consciously begin to observe your experiences.
Accept the fact that you have jealousy. You do not need to get rid of this sensation. Awareness of the emotion and observation of it often leads to a weakening of the sensation.
7. Recognize that uncertainty is part of a relationship.
Jealousy requires confidence: “I want to know for sure that he is not interested in her.” Or: “I want to know for sure that we will not part.”
But uncertainty is part of life, and we must learn to accept it. Uncertainty is one of the limitations with which we cannot do anything.
You can never know for sure that your partner will not abandon you. But if you blame, demand and take revenge, you can turn into life the idea of the collapse of your relationship.
8. Examine Your Relationship Beliefs
How to stop being jealous? To do this, it should be understood that your jealousy can be fueled by unrealistic ideas about relationships.
They may include the belief that your partner’s past relationship is a threat to your love. Or you can assume that “Your girlfriend (boyfriend) should never attract anyone else.” You can also convince yourself that your emotions (jealousy and anxiety) are an indicator of the existence of a relationship problem.
This is the so-called “emotional reasoning,” which is often a very poor way to make decisions.
Often your beliefs about relationships are influenced by your childhood experiences or past relationships.
If your parents went through a difficult divorce process, you may be more likely to believe that this will happen again with you. Or you may have been betrayed in a recent relationship, and now you believe that your current relationship may be a repetition of those events.
You can also believe that you have nothing to offer the other person – who wants to be with you? If your jealousy is based on such a belief, then it is very important for you to refute this idea.
For example, one woman believed that she lacked dignity. But when asked what she wanted to see in an ideal man, she replied: intelligence, decency, emotional closeness, creative thinking, humor, various interests, and suddenly she realized that she was describing herself. If she were such an empty person, then why did she see herself as an ideal partner?
9. Use effective communication skills
You do not need to rely on jealousy to make your relationship more secure.
To stop being jealous, you should use more effective behavior. This means becoming more useful to each other:
→ Pay attention when your partner does something positive.
→ Praise each other and try to refrain from criticism, sarcasm, and contempt.
→ Always engage in dialogue with each other and discuss everything that bothers you.
→ Do the pleasant and simple actions that you expect from each other: cook together, talk about the work of your other half.
Jealousy rarely has a positive effect on relationships. Practicing effective communication is a much better alternative.