The need for love is the basic emotional need of man.
We express love in many ways. We need to know what our partner sees as love and it is necessary to master his native language of love. When you speak in your partner’s native language, it can completely change. If we want mutual understanding, we need to know each other’s desires. If we want to love each other, we need to know what the other wants.
Each of us has a language of love (one of five), and if the partner speaks to us not in our language but on his own, then it will be difficult for you to reach understanding and the relationship may end. All people are different. Where one sees love, the other will not see any love.
1. WORD OF PROMOTION
If you (or a partner) speak this language, you need to be praised, encouraged, and increased self-esteem.
Love of good. Praise is one of the ways to express love with words. Sometimes, we feel insecure. There is not enough courage, and this prevents us from achieving what we would like and what we have the ability to do. Perhaps your partner is waiting for you to support and encourage him. Praise, support helps your partner to feel their worth. They bring together, heal the wounds and allow a person to achieve what he wants.
We must see the world through the eyes of a loved one, learn what is important to him. Only then can we really support him: “I understand you. This is important to me, too. I’m with you. How can I help you? “So we show that we believe in him, in his opportunities and admire him.
Perhaps this language is alien to you, and to acquire it, it takes a lot of strength and patience. Especially if you are accustomed to criticizing and condemning.
While children are small, parents do not stint on affectionate words. They admire the baby. The child has grown, praise gives way to comments, it is praised more and more often, and more often point to mistakes.
But if the native language of your child or partner is a word of encouragement, criticism is contraindicated. You criticize him with criticism that he is not worthy of either love, respect, success – you are simply crippling him!
2. QUALITATIVE TIME
If you (or a partner) speak in the language of the time, it is important to be together, pay attention to each other and do something together. So there are common memories, and this is an inexhaustible source of joy. Happy are those who have something to remember!
The partner will feel that you are important to each other and you are together well only when you are engaged in something, communicate and pay attention to each other.
But where to take time, especially if we both work? Find it. After all, you find time to eat. Joint activities are as important for relationships as food is for health.
If time is the mother tongue of your partner, conversations and conversations are necessary to make him feel that you love him. It is necessary to listen, to empathize, to try to understand thoughts, feelings, and desires. You can give advice, but only when we are asked, and not in a patronizing tone.
If TIME is your child’s native language, and he knows what you are saying on it, maybe even in the transition age he will want to visit you more often, and not in a street company. To spend time with a child means to give him all your attention. If now you are sorry for him time, do not be surprised that then he will turn his back on you. If now you do not want to enter his world, then he will not let you go there.
The child grows up, he has new interests. Let the interests of the child become yours. He plays the piano – sit next to him when he does, and listen. If you are attentive to the child, he feels what is important to you, that you are pleased to be with him.
If you (or a partner) speak this language, you need to make gifts to you.
The basis of love is a gift. For some people, the most visible symbols of love – gifts are most important. The gift can be picked up and said: “He remembered and thought about me.” It does not matter how much money was spent. The main thing – we thought about a man.
To master this language, you may need to change the attitude towards money. If you part with money easily, you will not have any problems. But if you are accustomed to saving, you will have to overcome an internal protest: I do not even buy anything for myself, why should I buy something for it! If you think so, then you are mistaken, for yourself, you just buy a lot. By investing, you gain confidence and self-respect. Thus, you satisfy your own emotional needs. But the emotional needs of the partner – no.
If this language is his native language, a gift for a partner is the best investment that you can make. After all, then you invest in relationships, you fill it with the “vessel of love,” and most likely, he will want to answer you with love in your language. If the emotional needs of partners are satisfied, everything changes. And do not worry about savings. You are frugal, so you will always be. Invest money in love – the most reliable investment.
And you can also present yourself, your presence. When you are asked: “Please stay with me today”, take this request seriously, even if it seems to you a whim. Your refusal can be interpreted quite unexpectedly. Being close to critical moments is the best thing you can give if the partner’s mother tongue is gifted. And if you need to have a partner nearby, ask him about it. Do not wait for your thoughts to read.
In the language of gifts, all parents say. Many believe that he is the only one. However, if the child does not speak this language, no gifts will make him feel your love.
If the gifts quickly bother the child, he does not protect them, praises the new toy, forgets to say thank you – the gifts are not his native language. And if the child thanks you, shows a gift to friends and praises you, keeps in a prominent place, plays with him for a long time, is his native language.
What if gifts are the mother tongue of your child, and you are insufficiently provided? “The road is not a gift, dear attention.” For a child, homemade toys are sometimes more expensive than shops. Often kids like to play with the box in which the gift lay than with him.
Helping means doing something for someone else. By helping, you express love.
Prepare dinner, cover on the table, wash the dishes, clean the apartment, put things in order in the closet, clean the sink, wipe the mirror in the bathroom, wash the car, take out the garbage, change the baby diapers,
When a partner criticizes you and displays dissatisfaction for something, it helps to determine his native language of love. If you do not satisfy his emotional needs, he is outraged most loudly. Criticism is a way to ask for love. Although not the best. If you understand this, take criticism as information. For example, a partner criticizes you. Tell him: “I think it was very important for you that I did … Explain why.” Find out why he is so unhappy. So the charges can turn into a request. In a request for help.
Take a closer look at your child. How does he express love? What is it often asked about? What does he like? This will help you determine his native language. If a child thanks you for any little thing you have done for him, then your concern is important to him. Help means love. He is glad that you are helping him with the lessons not only because of the grades. You repair his bicycle, he is happy not only because he can ride again. He says to himself: “They love me”. And if the child is trying to help you in everything, perhaps, help is his native language.
The soul lives in the body. Touching the body means touching me. To push aside means to move away.
When it’s hard for us, we want someone to hold out his hand to us. In a literal sense. Why? Touching is one way to express love. Those babies, who are often taken up in arms, hug, kiss – physically and emotionally develop faster than those who stay long alone.
When a loved one has grief, support him. And if touch is his native language, he finds solace in them. It does not matter what you say; he will see your sympathy only when you embrace him. Otherwise, the partner decides that you do not like him. This is remembered forever.
For some, touching is the only way to feel love. They need to hold hands. They need to be kissed, hugged. Then they know that they are loved. Otherwise, they are not sure.
Touching can be fleeting. For example, pouring a cup of coffee, you put your hand on your shoulder. When you sit next to you and watch TV, hug your partner, it will tell you about love. When he goes to work or comes home, kiss him – for him it is very important. If the partner wants you to massage him, sign up for courses, do not spare time and money. This is not a whim. If the native dialect of your partner is sexual intimacy, learn to touch, receive and deliver pleasure.
Previously, in public, you avoided tenderness, – change your habits. In the restaurant, hold your hand, go out, hug, kiss, when you sit in the car. Be gentle.
Since a man regularly develops a sexual attraction, he can automatically conclude that touching is his native language of love, and mistaken. If you do not need touch, when you do not lead to sex, then this language is alien to you.
Sexual attraction and emotional need for love are two different things. This does not mean that sex is not important to you. Important. However, only the intimate relationship of the need for love is not satisfied.
When partners have found a common language, intimate relationships develop. Sexual problems almost always begin where emotional needs are not satisfied, they have nothing in common with physiology.
HOW TO KNOW YOUR LANGUAGE OF LOVE
What is your love language? Sometimes, it is enough for a person to hear only the names of the five languages of love:
– THE WORD OF PROMOTION
Remember what you most often asked your partner for. Your requests, most likely, are related to your native language. He could perceive them as whining. You asked for love.
Think about how you yourself usually express love, what you do. Probably the same as you expect from the same partner. If you are trying to help, perhaps your language helps. If the words of encouragement mean a lot to you, chances are you often praise your partner.
THREE WAYS TO DETERMINE YOUR LANGUAGE OF LOVE:
1. WHAT CAUSES YOU PAIN?
The converse may be your mother tongue. For example, “It hurts when I am criticized, I feel worthless” – your language of love “words of encouragement.” If you are criticized, you think that they do not like you.
2. What are you most often asking for?
Perhaps in this, you express love. For example, “Listen to me, talk to me” means your language is “time.” If you are not listened to, do not find time to be together – you think that they do not like you.
3. HOW DO YOU EXPRESS LOVE?
Perhaps this is your language of love. For example, you immediately look for a way and try to do something to solve the problem – your language is “help.”
Usually to define the language of love two types of people are at a loss.
Those whose “vessel of love” never empties. For example, your partner expresses his love for you in every possible way, you are not sure which is more important for you. You just know that he loves you. Those whose “vessel of love” has been left empty for too long. They already simply do not remember what it means to be loved. And in either case, try to mentally return to the time when they were in love. Remember: what attracted you to your companion? Why did you want to be with him or her? So you get at least some idea of your native language. Either fantasize. How do you imagine an ideal partner? This image can help you.
And now make a list – list the five languages of love in order of importance for you. In the first place, of course, will be your native language. Make the same list for the partner. Let him do the same. Discuss your lists with each other.
LOOK AT YOUR FAVORITE AND CHILD
How does he express love? What is it often asked about? What does he like? All this will help you determine his native language.
If you speak the partner’s native language and speak it, the partner believes in your love. If you do not own it – does not believe and suffers.
My daughter speaks the language of the time. She loved to walk with me. Then she entered a girls’ school, one of the oldest in the country. Three times a week I came to her, we walked and explored the city’s surroundings. We talked for a long time. Now the daughter is an adult, she is a doctor, but when she comes to us, the first thing I hear is: “Let’s go for a walk”. And I agree. The son does not like to walk. He repeats: “Why to go on foot if you can go by car?” He does not see the point: time is not his native language.
All people are different. Where one sees love, the other will not see any love.
I believe all parents love their children. I know that many people do not have relationships with children, because they speak different languages. Thousands of children live with empty vessels of love. And this is the cause of childish misconduct. It’s not too late to fix everything.
If your child is already an adult, and you just realized that you have been talking with him in the wrong language all your life, tell him: “You know, I read a book about how to express love, and realized that I was doing everything wrong. I try, but you do not notice anything, because we speak different languages. It seems to me that your native language is … “. Explain which languages of love still exist, and discuss it with him.
Maybe you think that the children do not like you. If they are already adults, talk to them, tell them about the languages of love. Perhaps they will be happy to learn your native language, and your relationship will become much better. It’s so good to live in a house where everyone knows how to express their love to others.
The past can not be corrected, but love opens the door to the future. If we chose to love, if we found a common language, we created an emotional climate in which there is no place for previous conflicts.