These men fascinate many bright and successful women. No wonder: a man-daffodil is brilliant and witty, he is a wonderful boyfriend. The role of the “mirror” of its magnificence may seem fascinating and even honorable. But why do women stubbornly hold onto this relationship, even when they turn into torture?
To women who suffer a toxic relationship with a destructive partner, the psychotherapist from Rome Umberta Telfen addressed her book “Married to a daffodil. Survival guide for loving women. ” This fascinating study in Italy became a bestseller but has not yet been translated into Russian. According to Umberto Telfener, there are several deep reasons why women subconsciously choose an alliance with daffodil:
1. Maternal Instinct.
Emotionally immature, often hesitant partner turns for a woman into a son she never had or who has already grown up. She sees in him an exceptional, intelligent and gifted “child.”
This partner – the “son” – can be proud of, show off, he enlightens her life with her presence and gives a sense of permanent employment, the need and importance of her role. But at the same time, this “son” is very disappointing when in fact it turns out to be not so exceptional: he closes in himself, fails, promises, but does not fulfill. Having high self-esteem, he often is not up to par.
In general, it is a “son” who causes a lot of tenderness and a bit of anxiety, which is hard to get angry and who still needs a mother and her protection.
2. Rivalry and self-care
Many women like the role of “savior”: they try to breathe energy into their men, to dispel their longing, to bring back the joy of life. Take upon themselves all their burdens. And the narcissus, indeed, is not able to give up the admiring glance directed at him.
Through a relationship with a male narcissist, a woman tries to get close to an idealized figure from the past.
But in fact, this game, entitled “in my power to give you life” is aimed not only at the man. This is a match that women conduct themselves with themselves and their rivals. The challenge is to win the battle where others have failed. But the mission is impracticable, as a result, they are also waiting for a loss.
Very often, trying to save a man is a need to save himself. Attention and care directed to him are, in fact, an indirect way to take care of himself, an attempt to heal his wounds, to restore his vitality: “I act with him as I would like to be treated with me.”
3. Search for the “lost” father
Their role is played by the experience of the relationship between a woman and her father. Most likely, in childhood, the adored father was for some reason unavailable to him, he promised a lot, but in fact, could not meet expectations (and was also likely to have been a narcissistic personality).
And now, through a relationship with a male daffodil, a woman tries to get close to an idealized figure from the past. This time, she hopes not only to resume dialogue with that dear and beloved person but also to bring the relationship to a happy end.
She lives again familiar sensations of tension and complexity, because her partner, like her father, promises much, but in fact, it is eliminated and even more demands itself.
4. Restart the dominant scenario
Often it is the relationship with the daffodil man that enables a woman to realize her recurring behavioral scenario, live it more intensively and finally try to get rid of it.
There is a feeling that this type of men instinctively, like a thin scalpel, touches their pain points – so that they can finally wake up and expose the account of the history of their illness, accurately determining the diagnosis.
This relationship highlights the most important problems for the whole family history, those fears that were transmitted from generation to generation (fear of betrayal, treason, loneliness, rejection). And now it’s time to recognize these fears, to live and grow them.
5. Justification of one’s own ambivalence
Complicated relations with a man-narcissus allow us to justify our own ambivalence (“I want – I do not want”, “I like it – but not so much”, “I would like to be in this relationship, but it’s good that he disappoints me, that means, this story is not forever “).
In modern culture, women often choose an indirect, indirect way of self-expression.
In connection with a male narcissist, women who are afraid of certainty in relationships often enter, perceive stability as a restriction, feeling something like claustrophobia. This is their peculiar protective mechanism.
For example, a woman chooses a man who constantly changes to her, because she herself has a penchant for adultery, but she is not ready to admit it. Hiking partner “left” as it is protected from her own craving for treason.
6. The partner expresses something deep and secret
In modern culture, women often choose an indirect, indirect way of self-expression. They unknowingly delegate their ability to present themselves to the world, declare a certain position. They hide behind the back of their seemingly strong and influential companion to demonstrate important aspects of their “I” – unusual ideas, strong emotions, controversial judgments, courageous acts – that would otherwise remain hidden.
The good news is that women who consciously approach such problematic relationships are given the choice of suffering further or embarking on the path of personal growth, which will inevitably have to meet their masculine part and other previously hidden aspects of their personality.
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