The relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law is an old topic for jokes and comedy films. However, in reality, it is not funny at all. The husband’s mother can cause significant problems in the family. This woman can not only spoil the mood for a long time but also destroy the marriage. How to avoid frequent quarrels with your mother-in-law and maintain peace in the house?
Why does the mother-in-law not give rest: the psychology of behavior?
Nagging, insults and low self-esteem are only a tiny part of what some women endure from their mothers-in-law. In such a situation, looking for the reason in yourself is pointless. The root of evil often lies in the other person.
One of the main reasons for the wrong attitude of the mother-in-law to the daughter-in-law is banal jealousy. Not all mothers realize that their boy has already grown up, ceased to belong to her alone, and is ready to build his own family. Another one appears nearby, which requires love, attention, investment of strength, energy, and money. As a result, the mother instinctively tries to destroy her son’s relationship to shift the focus back to herself and regain the title of the leading woman. So a third extra in the family comes to visit without an invitation, does not notice your existence, criticizes, constantly calls, complains about health, and asks for help.
Another serious problem for the daughter-in-law may be the lack of privacy her mother-in-law. Then she starts living her son’s personal life. Experts call such relationships codependent.
According to the well-known bio-survival circuit of the German psychologist Erik Erikson, the presence of a strong bond between mother and child is necessary for the period from birth to one and a half years. During these 18 months, the baby develops an essential trust in the world. Other stages of life follow. Ideally, they should lead both mother and child to independence from each other. However, it is often different.
Every parent, releasing a child to free swimming, struggles with a whole range of different feelings. Usually, all experiences pass quickly. But it happens that the mother is not ready to break a solid emotional connection with her son, and this is especially acute when a woman is left alone (without a partner). Life revolves around only one man-her son. Often, this attachment manifests itself in an attempt to live your child’s personal life, dissolve in his relationships, and decide for yourself how it will be better for him. In particular, with whom to live and build a family.
The fear of loneliness is closely related to the lack of a partner in a woman. She unconsciously prevents the child from entering adulthood because she is afraid to be left alone. She spent all her life raising her beloved child, putting so much effort and love into it. What about now? He leaves his parents ‘ house and, with it, the meaning of her life. Who to take care of, how to live now?
Retirement or job loss can also dramatically shift a woman’s focus to her child’s personal life. Finally, there was a lot of time to teach the daughter-in-law to manage the household and take care of her husband and children. Often, such assistance looks from the outside as the invasion of the Mongol-Tatar yoke. The young family is under the absolute control of a third party. Hence, serious quarrels arise, leading to the deterioration of relations between spouses and the destruction of the marriage.
How to get along with your mother-in-law?
First of all, it is necessary to understand that the mother-in-law is her husband’s mother, and she will always play an essential role in his life. A direct way to quarrel and even divorce can be constant criticism of this woman, harsh statements, and insults addressed to her. Such behavior in psychology is called non-constructive, that is, destructive.
But what if your mother-in-law is constantly in your relationship with your husband? Be wiser and maybe even smarter in some situations. Experts advise you to act without unnecessary emotions, tantrums and tears. You must calmly respond to all comments and, if possible, ignore unfounded criticism. Sometimes you should listen to her advice if they are essential and valuable.
You can’t hold grudges. You can and should talk about your feelings with your husband and explain what exactly does not suit you. Instead of “Your mother drove me crazy again. When it finally disappears from our lives, “it is better to say:” I am very worried about this situation. I want our family to be at peace, but I can’t do it without your support. Let’s try to solve this issue together.”
What should a man do?
A man should understand that his wife is his choice. He is allowing himself to be insulted by allowing her to be offended. Therefore, you should immediately stop all offensive statements about your spouse, making it clear that my family is my rules, and we will figure it out for ourselves.
Often a mother for a man is a person who is always right. However, she, too, like all of us, can be wrong. Despite your unconditional love for your mother, you need to remain objective in any situation.
You also need to be able to listen and listen to your wife, not dismiss her feelings, solve the conflict, and not watch everything that happens from the side.
In many ways, the world in the family depends on the man. Sometimes only he can find the line of communication that will be comfortable for his two prominent women. Sometimes the question can be solved only by moving, and sometimes a heartfelt conversation for three over a cup of tea initiated by a man.